


Hesitance

by VolarFinch



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Be More Chill - Freeform, F/M, First Kiss, Jake Dillinger (mentioned) - Freeform, Night, OC/Canon Character, Post-Canon, Rich Goranski's Dad - Freeform, Rich Goranski's Dad Is An Asshole, Squips, Vaguely Mentioned Abuse, Vaguely Mentioned Child Abuse, bmc, shameless self insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:32:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VolarFinch/pseuds/VolarFinch
Summary: “I’m glad you’re okay,” Alex said abruptly, voice still hushed. Rich peered back at her with wide eyes. She kept her gaze firmly on the floor. “I––you scared me at the Halloween party, running around and screaming and just… I thought––I thought you might have died. I don’t know what would have happened if––if you had. I don’t know how I would have been after, knowing I was there and could have done something maybe or––” She cut herself off with an inhale, barely wincing as her voice got louder.“You would have been fine—I was an asshole,” he responded, a melancholy in his tone. “I think it might have been––“ Best? He wasn’t sure.Alex shook her head. “No. You had a crappy piece of technology stuck in your head that had convinced you that––that you were bad and that’s––that wasn’t you. You’re a good person, Rich.”“I don’t feel like one.”“Good people never do. You’re learning. You weren’t a good person, externally, last November, but you’re a good person now  in April. You’ve––you’ve definitely changed, and for the better. You’re different and… I like this you better. The real you.”





	Hesitance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! I've been gone for a while and well, there's not much of an excuse other than a lot of shit came up in my life. It was really down and up for a while but I'm finally back to where I'm comfortable posting again and here's what I want to open up with!
> 
> (I wrote this for my birthday yesterday on July 31st, lol.)
> 
> Welcome to me accepting and shamelessly shipping myself with Richard Goranski. If you like it, don't feel the need to read it, but if you give it a try, please feel more than welcome to leave a comment and leave a kudo! 
> 
> Have a great night and know that someone really cares about you!!

It was hesitant.

Richard Goranski was not used to soft and hesitant. After years of living with an abusive dad and years of dealing with an abusive supercomputer controlling his life, Rich wasn’t sure what he really expected anymore. Maybe he expected nothing to change. Maybe he expected the pain to hit him again and to burn his flesh free of his misgivings as Jake Dillinger's house collapsed around him. Maybe he expected…

Whatever Rich had expected, it was nothing that Alexandra Brooks had delivered.

Her house was quiet and dark, her blinds pulled up and window still partially opened from when Rich had been invited in after another bad night with his shitty dad. A layer of blue surrounded Rich as the moon shone into the room, alighting it in a calm, almost somber atmosphere. Rich lay on his back, Alex’s comforter acting as a barrier between him and the carpeted floor. His head sat on the palms of his hands, cushioning himself as he stared at the ceiling. Small, glow-in-the-dark planets and stars were scattered across the ceiling from one corner of the room to the other, expanding and thinning like Alex had been basing the sculpture off of the real Milky Way. Knowing her, she had. He followed the current of stars with his eyes, counting and recounting the specks and shapes above him. There was a faint breeze in the room from outside and Rich suppressed a shudder.

He wondered if Alex was still awake. She’d mentioned once she didn’t sleep easily, but it had been what felt like hours since Rich had sought refuge at her house and she hadn’t really moved after curling up in her bed with a thinner blanket and missing two pillows (which had been donated to him on the floor). The room was largely quiet, save for Alex’s quiet breathing, Rich’s heartbeat, and the faint whirl of the A.C.

Rich sighed quietly to himself. The ache from his bruises was just beginning to die down and he took relief in it. He stilled, however, when Alex shifted on her bed. He expected her to fall back to sleep, but was surprised to hear her say, “Rich? You up?” Her voice was at a whisper, a delicateness to it as she ventured into the silence. There was a small hesitance to her tone, almost like she was unsure if she should have said anything at all.

“Yeah,” Rich answered after a moment, just as soft, “I’m up. Couldn’t really sleep.”

“Was it…?” Alex trailed off uncertainly. Rich understood the connotation well enough:  _ Was it your SQUIP? _

“Nah, not this time,” Rich replied. They were still so painfully quiet. “I was just… taking in the quiet, I guess.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize, it’s cool. I prefer you over the quiet any day.”

Rich heard Alex chuckle under her breath. He could just see the blush on her face; he could imagine the way her eyes would light up and how the corner of her eyes would crinkle as she smiled, her expression balancing humored and flustered.

Alex sat up, causing Rich to do the same. She pushed her blanket off and slid herself onto the floor next to Rich. She propped herself against her bed and looked at him, signaling him to join her. Rich scootched over to her side. His hand grazed Alex’s and, after a small moment, Alex’s pinky finger wrapped around Rich’s. He glanced at her, watching how the moonlight fell over her hair and how it made her freckles almost glow. The blue dye in her hair gave her a mystical aura, almost if she were otherworldly.

Alex flushed at his stare and turned away; Rich did the same and hoped his blush wasn’t obvious. God, what had happened to the cool and suave Rich?

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Alex said abruptly, voice still hushed. Rich peered back at her with wide eyes. She kept her gaze firmly on the floor. “I––you scared me at the Halloween party, running around and screaming and just… I thought––I thought you might have died. I don’t know what would have happened if––if you had. I don’t know how I would have been after, knowing I was there and could have done something maybe or––” She cut herself off with an inhale, barely wincing as her voice got louder.

“You would have been fine—I was an asshole,” he responded, a melancholy in his tone. “I think it might have been––“  _ Best? _ He wasn’t sure.

Alex shook her head. “No. You had a crappy piece of technology stuck in your head that had convinced you that––that you were  _ bad _ and that’s––that wasn’t you. You’re a good person, Rich.”

“I don’t feel like one.”

“Good people never do. You’re learning. You weren’t a good person, externally, last November, but you’re a good person  _ now _  in April. You’ve––you’ve definitely changed, and for the better. You’re different and… I like this you better. The _real_ you.”

They settled into silence again, Alex having turned to look at him during her small speech. The two gazed at the other, taking each other in as the quiet enveloped them. Alex’s eyes had the moon reflecting in them, and he could see when her gaze flickered down to his lips. Rich had, admittedly, stared at Alex and her lips quite often the past few weeks, but he’d never assumed she’d like him back. They were friends and he wasn’t going to mess that up. 

Yet…

Rich moved his hand, taking Alex’s and entertaining their fingers. He heard Alex pause in her breathing, sucking in a small breath as she peered at their hands and then him. He wasn’t sure who’s heartbeat he was hearing, his or hers, but the noise filled his ears as Alex leaned in slowly. He went to meet her halfway, using his free hand to hold her face. After a brief moment of hesitancy, Alex tilted her head and kissed him. 

It wasn’t the most spectacular of kisses, nor was it extravagant and hot. It was electrifying in its simplicity, just two teenagers exploring the other. It only lasted a few seconds as Alex pulled away first, the redness in her cheeks visible against the blue of the moonlight. Rich was sure he looked similar, eyes wide and dumbstruck as he gawked at her. His mouth was agape and his brain felt fried as if the Mountain Dew Red was coursing through it again.

_ She tastes like Mountain Dew Blue, _ Rich thought. It was a dumb thought considering he’d never drank Mountain Dew Blue and, to his knowledge, neither had Alex. The closest thing to a soda he’d ever seen Alex drink was Red Gatorade. Somehow, though, the thought made perfect sense––the kiss had given off the same electric energy as when Christine had drunk the Mountain Dew Red at the play and Rich had felt his SQUIP short-circuit, but there was the fervent taste of  _ blue _ on her tongue. Rich couldn’t explain it.

“Oh,” Alex said softly, breaking Rich’s train of thought. He licked his dry lips.

“Good ‘oh’ or bad ‘oh’?” he inquired.

“Good, I––I think,” Alex responded. She sounded a bit breathless. “You’re a, um, good kisser.”

Rich smirked slightly. “I have experience.”

Alex let out a small laugh, hiding her face in her hands. Rich cracked up too, unsure what was so funny but just deciding to sit in the small moment of laughter they had. Alex shoved Rich slightly with her hand, a smile on her face and light in her eyes. 

“I like you, Rich. I like you a lot,” she confessed.

Rich’s smirk softened into a smile. “Yeah. I like you, too.”

“I don’t really know where to go from here.”

“How about we decide that tomorrow when it isn’t––“ He glanced at the clock on Alex’s bedside table. “––four AM?”

It was weird to offer to wait. Usually, when Rich made a move, he  _ made a move _ . Though, over the last several months, he hadn’t even gotten close to asking anyone out––people could barely look at his scars long enough to even hold a conversation with him. His usual process for how relationships worked seemed out of reach. He wasn’t sure if he really even  _ liked _ his original plan of starting and ending relationships as abruptly as they began. He didn't want to put Alex through that. Alex wasn't a pawn he was using to climb the social ladder. Alex wasn't a pawn at all––she was a person. A person who trusted him and kissed him and cared about him when Rich was convinced no one else did.

Maybe he had changed for the better.

Alex let out a breathless laugh, bringing Rich out of his head. “Sounds like a plan.”

They were quiet for a second, unsure as to who was going to move first. After a moment’s pause, Alex pushed herself up and let go of Rich’s hand. She smiled at him, exhaustion creeping on her as she climbed back into her bed.

“Good night, Rich. Sleep well.”

Rich smiled to himself slightly as he replied, “Night, Alex. See ya’ tomorrow.”

“Mhm.”

After that, Rich slept without a nightmare for the first time in months.


End file.
